Content
- Personal Context - Why should I do it?
- Modus operandi - What defines my being in the real world?
- Values & Principles - Who am I according to my behavior?
Personal Context - Why you should do it
I am still surprised at how unprepared people are when I ask them:
- "What are the three main traits which define your character?"
- "What are the values you share with your most intimate friends?"
- "What is your behavior/trait about you that you would like to change?"
I do not mean it in a pretentious way. As many did, I had (still have) to learn that people have other priorities, are not like me, and have never been asked the question by anybody. This does not necessarily mean anything negative or that I look down on them. Although, I - personally, with my preferences - would think that it should be a topic in any long-term relationship (no matter if it is about friendship or love).
Therefore, I recommend you to raise those questions yourself. Not just to yourself but also to your peers because it will highlight the people you should surround yourself with. You don't get to feel a deep connection to somebody due to the fact that you do the same thing as a hobby or as a job. You will feel a deep connection to people who are aligned with your values, the basis of your beliefs and your mindset while approaching life.
One of my best friends is, for example, a nurse and has vastly different interests than me. But as we share the same values, it does not matter at all because we look at most topics in life through the same lens.
So, get your values straight, derive principles from it, and align them with the people you meet. It will make it easier to connect to new people, reconnect with former acquaintances, and to decide if you should get rid of somebody.
The three categories defining your daily behavior
The equation is very simple:
Your values + your principles = your modus operandi
The funny thing is that most of the time your modus operandi comes first because you have not clearly defined your values and your principles before. So, let's head into the three categories.
Modus Operandi
The "modus operandi" originated from Latin and is used mostly in criminology to discuss the methods used by a criminal (organization). Translated, it means "mode (or manner) of operating" according to Wikipedia.
I mean something slightly different from it. For me, it means how my thinking manifests itself in the real world and therefore becomes part of reality.
To deconstruct what it means, let me explain: Reality is what has an impact in the real world. An example is: Somebody asks you for directions, you are in a bad mood and think to yourself: Fuck you! But instead of saying it out loud, you are super friendly and help the person. What I want you to focus on is the difference in thought, words and action while not judging or valuing it!
The goal needs to be to push your thoughts, and/or your words and/or your actions towards the person you want to be. And by "you want to be", I mean all-in. Not thinking one thing, but saying another thing just to virtue-signal.
A few questions you could raise to yourself to discover something about yourself are:
- How often do I believe that I stand for a value, but then violate it in what I think, say and do? An example would be lying although trying to represent the value "honesty".
- How do other people perceive my behavior and how can I align it with my perception to better assess my impression on other people? I broke down an example in my review of 2021 when I thought I was being myself, but the people knowing me best disagreed.
- How much are my thoughts, words and actions aligned and therefore create an image of congruence which leads to people trusting in who I am? An example is saying that you are not a jealous person but then having an emotional reaction inside when an associated situation occurs.
As I am writing these words, let me emphasize that writing it down makes a huge difference. Especially, when you reread it, your thoughts will seem so clear, easier, repeatable in a future conversation touching the respective topic.
Principles & Values
Next, you should get some clearance on how you should change your "modus operandi" by applying rules & guidelines to it. These rules derive from the values you strive for and the principles you use as a heuristic to simplify decision-making & interactions with reality.
So, let's first define & differentiate both of these loaded terms.
Values
First, about values. My definition of a value is an ideal, you are striving to inherit all the time in everything you do.
As you might know, the details are important to me, so let me precise the distinction of a value and a characteristic: A value is always a noun you choose for yourself to comply with when interacting with your environment, while a characteristic is an adjective, describing how you come across to others.
So, "honesty" is a value, as is selflessness, integrity, dominance, loyalty, superiority, accountability, sensitivity, assertiveness, etc..
Hence, "ambitious" is a characteristic that is faithful, direct, honest, aware, empathetic, etc..
Again: Some of those values I mentioned might sound negative to you because they are negatively associated with the common narrative of our society. But looking at them from a neutral perspective, if you are a great leader inspiring people to be more in line with their wishes, you have an ethical obligation to strive for dominance, authority and/or superiority because you will need to convince people.
Principles
Next, let's define what a principle is. I will use Ray Dalio's definition from his book "Life Principles":
Principles are fundamental truths that serve as the foundations for behavior that gets you what you want out of life.
A principle functions as a heuristic but a conscious one which you choose. So, while having prejudices is also a heuristic, I perceive it as unconsciously learned from experience or narrative.
Two examples taken from my own principles:
The first one is a quote by William Blake, which I believe is actually one of the main essences of living life:
- “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom; You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.”
The second one is derived from a small "TED talk" I prepared in a small Belgium village near Brussels in 2015 while going through my train-the-trainer experience organized by the BDSU:
- The Quality of your life depends on the choices & decisions you make in your everyday life, which ideally create a heuristic moving you to higher levels.
Of course, the question arises in your mind: How do they manifest in my everyday life?
Regarding example number 1:
I take it as a reminder to not be too judgemental when people cross lines while potentially harming themselves (not others!). I have done a lot of stupid shit myself but nowadays I am mostly OK with it because it shaped me to the person I am today. Hence, when I am inclined to say "no" to an activity simply because I am scared of the unknown, I will push myself to say "yes" because a crazy experience might lie ahead which will make a good story one day.
Regarding example number 2:
Simply said, I make decisions very consciously most of the time and try to think of 2nd and 3rd degree consequences instead of just doing what feels intuitively good/right at the very moment. It helps me with not taking things for granted, reminding myself that there is always the easy vs. the right thing to do, and recalling my principles regularly.
In the end, this exercise is very simple: You hear a quote which seems intuitively true to you? Write it down into the list as an axiom first, and when it continues to be confirmed in your life, you may pull it into the list of "universal truths" which contains the principles you strive to live by.
Now, when you are reviewing the list, you can map it to your behavior in reality and see which of your axioms and principles you follow, which you want to follow, and which you would like to change and redefine.
Exercise on how to create your schema
Where are you now and what are you doing?
- Write out a typical daily routine in blocks from when you wake up until you go to bed
- Write out a typical weekly routine in blocks
- Brainstorm what is missing on a normal day or in a week?
Who are you while doing what you do?
- How often do I believe that I stand for a value, but then violate it in what I think, say and do? An example would be lying although trying to represent the value "honesty".
- How do other people perceive my behavior and how can I align it with my perception to better assess my impression on people? I broke down an example in my review of 2021 when I thought I was being myself, but the people knowing me best disagreed.
- How much are my thoughts, words and actions aligned and therefore create an image of congruence which leads to people trusting in who I am? An example is saying that you are not a jealous person but then having an emotional reaction inside when an associated situation occurs.
Who do you want to be?
- Who do you admire and what for?
- What are (probably) their ideals? Can you imagine following the same ideals?
- What are your priorities? What is most important to you? Therefore, can you do more of it?
- What is your purpose in life? What kind of energy do you want to emanate?
How do you get from who you are to who you want to be?
- When did I make wrong decisions in the past and why? Or worse: When did I take no decision?
- What should I have decided?
- What can I learn from it?
- How can I put the learning into a sentence which will remind me in the future to decide better, to not repeat the mistake?
I really hope it will improve your life by giving you the chance to explore what you need, what you want and never settle for "good". "Good" is never good enough.